We See a small building sitting behind a small ten/fifteen car parking lot. Trees crowded around behind the building, looking as if there were a large bit of forest behind the building, yet after about 20 feet behind stands a Tacobell. The building is stark white amongst the green and grays surrounding it. Stark white with an almost sickening neon pink door. A sign in front of the building reads “Second chances: A clinic for women who just aren’t ready”. A ’95 Corsica sits in a parking spot marked “Dr. Bags”. A brown Volvo station wagon pulls into the parking lot and stalls a few feet from the entrance. A small late teens/early 20’s girl named Tammy, gets out of the car and pushes it to a spot. After parking the car stands by it and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. She lights one and smokes it by her car, after a few puffs she looks at her watch …
Tammy: Oh shit!
She drops her cigarette and opens her back door, she grabs a large box out of her back seat and closes the door with her foot. She struggles into the building.
Dr. Dillon Bags sitting in a waiting room chair watch the girl enter the building.
Dillon Bags – Abortion clinic co-owner/doctor, lanky, white male. He’s tall and skinny. Unshaven face, wears thick black framed glasses, fancies him self an intellectual. In reality he is a bit of a simpleton, just because he’s educated he feels that he can wiggle his way into any conversation. He really can’t he always finds himself lost because he can’t fully put himself into a certain hobby or activity. So he’s left with this puzzlement and confusion when a conversation passes a point he doesn’t understand. He finds a quaint enjoyment in his career, as if he’s helping. He believes he’s helping with over population. He proudly hangs a banner in his office that reads “THE ABORTIONATOR”
Tammy sits her box on the counter, a wooden plaque sitting on the counter signifies that she is the secretary.
Tammy is a quiet little girl who does her job no matter how mundane or boring it may be. Very quiet, very loyal. Frequent smoker.
Tammy- My car just died I’m gonna have to get a tow truck out here.
Dillon: I saw… (sighs) Well do it before the “Pro-life” fuckers get here, tow truck dude won’t wanna deal with the crowd.
Tammy: Yeah… Why didn’t you help me?
Dillon: …Well, you know - (Pausing as if trying to think of an excuse.) - It never really crossed my mind actually…
Dillon stands and walks over to Tammy.
Dillon: Are those the shirts?
Tammy: Yes, and I’m out of printer ink and iron ons.
Dillon: I’ll pay it forward, on a budget ya know.
Tammy: (with a sad disappointed look on her face) yes sir.
Dillon opens the box and pulls out a shirt. On it s a picture of a piggy bank. Under the picture text reads “Go ahead and put away that hammer, we’ll take care of it for ya. Second chance clinic.”
Dillon: Yeah this way funnier than an old Korean lady holding a wire hanger…
Int. office of Dillon Bags.Day
Dillon stands in front of a widow covered half way on either side by tacky beige curtains. Above the window hangs a banner that reads “The Abortionator”. He’s watching a group of protesters that are standing out side of his clinic holding signs that read “Baby killers burn in HELL!!!”, “1,2,3,4 Why are you killing your baby, you whore?!?!”, ETC, Pretty much just nonsensical, unintelligent, hate picket signs.
Dillon: Fuckers. Makes me sick, really. Do they think they’re doing a good thing honestly? I could give a shit, but after seeing embarrassed teen girl faces on a daily basis I gotta say. Poor kids just want to forget fucking that asshole at their graduation party or prom. Not have a constant reminder every time they look into the eyes of that screaming bundle of shame. What total trash these god loving shits are! Standing outside my place of business protesting my work?!?! Oh fuck that! What if I stood outside of your butcher shop Abraham! Yeah I’ll be out there waving PETA banners screaming about the injustices of cow murder! What’s kosher about that fucking veal fillet displayed in you glass showcase fucker?!?! Total hypocrites man, I mean god damn. Fuckers. I ought to rally my coworkers together and wave picket signs! “Putting educated people outta work!” No respect for women and their choices!” that’s what we should do! Fucking Christians are worse! Jews by the handful sure, they’re usually docile enough to give up after a few hours, these Christians are fucking relentless! They can persuade little Davey to go shoot brown people in the desert, but me suckin a rape baby outta a 16 year old girl who isn’t prepared for the evils of this world by a long shot, is wrong? Evil? Oh fuck you man! You know what? I’ll stop the minute you assholes grow some balls and put down your signs! Yeah you do that… Put down your signs and grab some guns, knives, whatever. Get in here and stop me! I’ll be sucking out the unwanted till I’m to hold to lift the vacuum tube bitches! All you assholes don’t even know that I get at least a dozen of your little angels a month! (Pointing at random girls in the crowd) You were here! That bitch, that one, them, and her, the fatty there! Total idiots! Oh and how many cheatin ass church wives gotta come and get rid of their adultery products? How about that whole left side of old crusty skanks! Oh the preacher is frisky! No hon he’s just having “woman only” bible study groups for “a better spiritual presence”, it’s not an orgy. Oh I’m sure he’ll have all male bible study groups in the future. You all just have to get comfortable first. I’d even say this is the hottest teen hangout in town… hahaha, freaks. You don’t know what this guy is capable of! What the abortionator is capable of! I’ll…
A nurse walks into the office interrupting Dillon’s rant.
Nurse Wengren is 5’9”, late 20’s, she is a slightly overweight woman who obviously has some self esteem issues consideriang the amount of shit she take from her boss. She holds a secret but not totally hidden hate for her boss. Her happiest days at work would be the days that her arrogant asshole of a boss would take a sick day or leave of absence.
Nurse: Jews don’t protest, and your 9 o clock…
Dillon: Huh? What are they then? (Pausing, confused) My 9 o clock? Maude?
Nurse: Yes sir.
Dillon: She’s fuckin weird.
Nurse: Yes sir. She’s in operation room 6, anesthesiologist is already in there, they’ve been waiting for 40 minutes.
Dillon: Does she know that thighs move in the other direction or is stuck in the wishbone position?
Nurse: (chuckles) The Anesthesiologist is becoming impatient sir.
Dillon: She’s a fiery fire crotch ain’t she Wengren?
Nurse: (ahem) Yes sir.
Dillon: What the hell kinda name is Maude for a woman in the 21st century?
Nurse: I think it’s Irish sir…
Int.operation room 6.day
In the center of the room there is an operation table and a small table with various medical tools sitting on it. The anesthesiologist stands on the opposite side of table as Dillon ENTERS. She’s crossed armed, through her surgical mask you can see that she’s pissed.
The anesthesiologist is a moody short pencil thin woman with red hair and freckles. She looks about 12 but she is easily angered of offended and swears like a sailor. Her name is Davin.
On the table lye Maude…
Maude is a beautiful, thin, averaged height blonde bombshell, unfortunately she suffers from Anuptaphobia a fear of being single or alone, she has a very obsessive personality as well, now we’ll see at a point that she’s obsessed with her doctor but, is she a return patient because of her disorder or because she’s been obsessed with doc Dillon? Is this her sick attempt to build a relationship? We may never know…
Maude: Doc Dill! Hey! How ya been? It’s quite nice to see you again.
Dillon: Better than you I’m sure Maude. I can’t say it’s nice to see you again, what is this the sixth time? Condoms woman! Condoms! Pull out method even…
Both laugh. Nurse and Anesthesiologist kind of give each other a disgusted and confused look. Anesthesiologist coughs to get the doctor’s attention.
Anesthesiologist looks toward Maude’s crotch and gags.
Dillon: Oh right! Okay Maude, so… lets patch up that hole in your wallet!
Dillon sits at his desk he balls up index cards and tosses toward a plastic basket ball hoop on his door. As he tosses another, the door opens, ENTER anesthesiologist, the paper hits her in the face. She slams the door behind her.
Dillon: Hey you blew my shot I totally had it! And don’t slam my door we can’t afford a new one we’re on a budget…
Davin: Listen fucker! I’m sick of you and your smart comments; we run an abortion clinic not a barbershop! These girls come in here upset enough at what has to be done; they need you saying idiotic remarks like they need a fuckin hole in their head! So You hold your tongue and count your goddamn teeth before you think you might be amusing…
Dillon: Maude laughed…
Davin: She’s psychotic, you idiot! No one make the same mistake six times in a year and request the same doctor! She obviously has a weird crush on you or something! —- Straying, from the point I’m making, it’s completely unprofessional! Fucking disgusting! So…
Dillon: (Interrupting) I could fire you, you know…
Davin: Try! I’ll sue you for sexual harassment, fire crotch? Yeah, and ya think I don’t notice you looking at my ass at every opportunity? You like my tight medical pants? Yeah you’d be so fucked! If you fuck around I’ll quit and I’ll let everyone in my profession know what kind of person you are and you’d have to give up your half of the office and your career you! … And that fucking banner above your window? What the fuck? Really?
Dillon: Maude made that for me, it’s a gift…
Davin: I know and you are one sick bitch for accepting it!
Dillon: It would be rude not to. Plus it’s really cool!
Davin: No, it’s not. Also, I saw the shirts too, you sick bastard!
Dillon: Just trying to attract more clientele…
Davin: How can you live with yourself the way you treat Tammy she’s so innocent!
Dillon: I don’t treat her badly, and sluts aren’t innocent…
Davin: Second part of that statement holds clout, but, I once heard you tell her to have a good weekend, and have as much fun as she wanted… Not to worry because she gets an employee discount!!!
Dillon: Yeah… It was a joke… She laughed!
Davin: The point is that it was inappropriate! Idiot.
Dillon: You’re the only one who seems to care…
Davin: Liar! Oh, you’ll get yours dickhead! I can’t believe how thick you are! How did you make it through med school, you prick?!
Dillon: Not sure… But I’m sure the thickness had something to do with it…
Davin: Yeah? Well, polish a turd, right tootsie roll dick? … Oh and by the way, your girlfriend is prepped and ready for the vacuum. Asshole.
Davin opens the door and rushes out slamming the door behind her.
Dillon: Heh. Try to be nice to someone, crack a joke, make em comfy… Me? An asshole? Ha! Nothin wrong with me bitch, you’re the one on the wrag…
Dillon continues balling up index cards and tossing them toward the hoop.
Int.operation room 6.day
In frame we see Maude’s legs in stirrups and see Dillon holding a long tube leading towards Maude’s crotch. Davin on his right, nurse on his left.
Dillon: Hey Dave…
Davin: It’s Davin.
Dillon: Hey Davin…
Dillon: Hear that sound? (Referring to vacuum sucking)
Dillon: That’s the sound of hope.
Davin: (slowly closing her eyes) (Under her breath) Mother fucker.
Nurse slowly turns to looks at Dillon, surprised look in her eyes.
CUT TO BLACK
INT. Recovery room. DAY
Maude lay on a reclining chair, fully reclined an IV in her arm. ENTER Dr. Dillon, holding release instructions.
Dillon: Okay Maude, (Readingfrom instructions) Now that your operation is over, your recovery period is beginning. While postoperative recovery is different for each of you fine ladies, most patients experience both physical and emotional reactions to blah, blah, blah. Take time to let yourself heal, blah, blah, blah. This information will let you know what you should do to help yourself recover, yada, yada, yada, some of the things that you may experience, blah, blah, blah, oh my god! You know all this, right?
Dillon: Wastin my damn time, huh?
Maude: Yep. So, zoom through good sir.
Dillon: Okay, take your meds, keep your crotch clean, and if you start bleeding profusely You’ll wanna go in to the ER. You’ll be sad, your boobs are gonna hurt, fever, cramping, your menstruation, blah, blah, blah, and don’t miss the follow up appointment. Oh and “NO SEX”, vaginal sex, for like a week or something, I forget, you know, the length, ya been here enough times to know.
Maude: (Saluting) Yes sir! I shall follow my instructions like good patient. I will be sure to do all that my doctor asks of me, and never leave him disappointed! Totally, THE best patient you will EVER have! I guarantee it Dr. Dillon!
Dillon: Weird, just a bit, but um, good. So, we’ll see ya next time. Try to make the time between visits a bit longer, I mean it’s been like three months since you last were here. I mean wow, I’m not even sure I’m supposed to even treat you this soon. It’s a, you know, “iffy” at best. So um, good luck out there. Try to uh, not be so, “promiscuous”.
Dillon begins to leave the room, stops turns around.
Dillon: Oh and condoms, contraceptives, use em!
Dr. Dillon exits room. Maude Stares at the door, with a look of longing. She starts to twiddle her thumbs and bite her lip.
FADE TO BLACK
INT. Clinic front desk.Day
Dr. Dillon and Tammy Stand at the front counter.
Dillon: So uh, what are your feeling pertaining to repeating the events of the new years eve party?
Dillon: Why? Come on! Is the size? Short but fat! Couldn’t have been that bad.
Tammy: No, that was fine. Good size. Well, width,
Dillon: I got the girth of the earth.
YES!!! Dickerson at his best… unhinged…